


Prisoner-locked up, can't get you off my mind. Lord Knows I tried a million times

by Wildathartt84



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Eventual Smut, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Prison, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:42:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29269698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildathartt84/pseuds/Wildathartt84
Summary: Title from Prisoner- Dua Lipa and Miley Cyrus.The Shoni Prison AU no one asked for but I can't get out of my head.Toni Shalifoe has made a lot of mistakes in her 25 years, none worse than trusting the wrong people and ending up locked up with a 2 year sentence in a Texas prison.Shelby Goodkind is determined to spread the Lord's good news.  Even to the poor unfortunate souls at the women's prison.Will Shelby be able to make a difference in these women's lives or will she end up the one changed forever?
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 41
Kudos: 284





	1. Chapter 1

“What are you doing in here Shalifoe? Didn’t peg religion as your thing.” Simmons, one of the other inmates asked as Toni pulled up one of the rec room chairs and sat backward on it, one of her legs tucked up underneath her.

“Ha. She aint Simmons, but here religion happens to come in her favorite flavor: straight, skinny and blonde,” Jenkins, Toni’s cellmate and best friend offered and Toni winked.

Jenkins knew her too well. It wasn’t often that they got quality eye candy in here like the Bible beater that started leading bible study last week. As soon as Toni saw the blonde girl come in with her black pencil skirt and ridiculously high ponytail Toni miraculously felt the Lord a calling.

“Nah, I don’t discriminate, I like all flavors.” Toni said licking her lips. It was true, Toni was a bit of a ladies’ lady and that had been the only thing getting though the last 13 months in here. To be fair its also what had gotten her in here in the first place. Maybe sleeping with a kingpin’s wife and his daughter hadn’t been her smartest move.

“I aint seen you with a big girl since you done got here.” Young, who they all called Big Momma said.

“You offering?” Toni said hiking up an eyebrow.

“In you dreams Shalifoe. You couldn’t handle all of this, I’d smother you.” Big momma said dropping low in front of Toni’s chair.

“But what a way to go, am I right?” Toni said as she fist bumped Jenkins. Everybody started laughing as Big Momma twerked her substantial ass in front of Toni.

“Damn girl, go 'head,” Toni expressed her appreciation as everyone got a little rowdy egging Big Momma on. 

“Ladies, ladies calm it down and please behave for Ms. Goodkind. She was kind enough to take time out of her busy schedule to try and bring some religion to you miscreants. Please treat her with the respect a lady of her integrity demands.” Officer Mouch stated as he and the blonde walked into the Rec room. She was even prettier up close than she had been when Toni had caught a glimpse of her last week. Toni straightened up in her chair and bit her bottom lip. Her eyes couldn't help glancing at the blonde's perfectly pink lips. 

Damn Mouch was laying it on thick. Toni saw the way he was looking at this Ms. Goodkind. However, she also got the distinct feeling that Ms. Goodkind was not having it. She saw her flinch and scoot away as he touched her arm.

Wouldn’t Mouch just hate it if this girl flirted back with Toni when she didn’t seem to be reciprocating his friendliness in the least?

Toni loved a challenge, especially against her least favorite guard.

Mouch went out of his way to drop the D word whenever she was within earshot. She knew he was just jealous of how much pussy she pulled while he went home to rub one out in his momma’s basement.

“It looks like we have some new faces this week! Excellent!” Ms. Goodkind said excitedly and as she scanned the room she caught Toni’s eye for a minute and Toni smiled. Man, this bible girl was fucking gorgeous, and those deep green eyes were dangerous.

Mouch caught the look and he knew Toni’s game. “Ms. Goodkind, don’t mind that one she’s feral, no one ever taught her to act right, she can’t even sit right.” Toni couldn’t help but blush when Ms. Goodkind smiled at her with a look of sympathy. She could get used to looking into those eyes.

“I’m Shelby,” the bible beauty said as she extended her hand to Toni. Shelby Goodkind. Shelby Goodkind with the impossibly soft hands. Shelby Goodkind who smelled faintly of mint and citrus. 

“Shelby, that’s a pretty name for a pretty girl, I’m Toni,” Toni said, smiling when she detected the slightest blush creep up the blonde’s cheeks.

She ignored the snickers from the peanut gallery around her. She leaned forward against the back of her chair, eyes following Shelby as she greeted the other prisoners, welcoming the returnees and introducing herself to the other newbies. Shelby happened to turn back to Toni and caught her pointedly staring at her ass. Toni kind of gave a little shrug as if to say, can you blame me?

It was a nice ass and that skirt was doing it all sorts of favors.

As Shelby walked back to settle in the front of the semi-circle and get started, Toni knew she must have imagined the extra twitch as she passed her.

Shelby tried to steady her breathing as she reached down in her bag to pull out the loaner bibles she had borrowed from her dad’s church. A few of the inmates had brought their own bibles but she had noticed most had not. She had not been expecting to have a bigger crowd this week.

If anything, she had been so nervous last week she had thought the group would have grown smaller. Her father had counseled her that this was a bad idea and must too dangerous for her to start a women’s prison ministry. Her father’s church, North Point Community Church, had a robust men’s prison ministry, re-entry ministry and even a ministry at the boy’s juvenile facilities in the area.

Shelby just didn’t think it was fair to only spread the good news of the Lord to incarcerated men, didn’t women deserve to know the Lord forgave them for their sins as well. Shelby didn’t care if she had her father’s blessing or not, she felt called to make sure everyone knew the love of God.

It was just the latest disagreement between her and her father. Ever since Shelby had started seminary and had been exposed to progressive and accepting Christian theology, she questioned Dave Goodkind’s interpretations and practices more and more. Until seminary she had just assumed every religious person thought the same way s Dave Goodkind. As she studied different translations and different denominations, she began to see that there were a lot of varied interpretations of God's word and there were a lot of differing opinions, especially on God's view of homosexuality. She had just taken her father's word that it always a sin no matter what.

As she studied she was more and more pulled to the message of Jesus. His love for all people, especially those on the margins of society. It was why Shelby had pushed so hard for her dad to give her the position over the church's outreach ministry. She organized multiple drives a year for the local homeless shelters and domestic violence shelters. She lived by Matthew 25:40, she even had it tattooed on the inside of her right wrist: "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." 

She knew she was pushing North Point’s boundaries of comfort with some of the mission work she proposed as Director of Community Outreach. She knew her dad had only hired her to keep an eye on her. He didn’t want her to fall under the influence of heretics. Those were the exact words Shelby had overheard her father saying to her mom right after he offered her the job.

It was that moment that Shelby realized her quest to make her father proud was always going to be impossible.

She had done everything right.

She had resisted all temptation.

She had followed in her father’s footsteps to Baylor, was active in campus ministry and revealed her intentions to enter seminary shortly before graduation. She even went on every first date Jo Beth Goodkind insisted upon. She was pretty sure at this point she had been on a first date with all the nice church boys in a two hour radius. Any other parent would be extremely proud of her accomplishments, all Dave seemed to focus on was that she was 25 and hadn’t had a serious boyfriend since high school. 

He made a point of pointing out how happy her high school boyfriend, Andrew and his wife Emily were with their two small children. The reality was Shelby knew she had dodged a bullet. She had never wanted that life. She had never wanted Andrew. When she saw Emily’s haggard but painted face in church every Sunday, she thanked the Lord that she was not married with two children at 25.

The reality was, Shelby knew she would always be alone. She was only attracted to people she would never let herself have. Instead she filled her life with service work and her career. She taught Bible school, helped the youth pastor run the youth group. She facilitated the young women's bible study. She had her friends, her work and her two cats Maisy and Maverick and that was enough for her. 

“Alright y’all, who needs to borrow a Good Book?”

“You promise its good?” Toni asked as the other inmates laughed.

Shelby chuckled. "You'll just have to keep coming back every week Toni and find out," she said as she handed her a bible, their hands brushing each other briefly. Shelby had to take a quick inhale of breath at the unexpected touch and repeat her mantra in he head. "I shall not be tempted, I shall not be tempted." 

Last week she had begun at the beginning, with the creation story in Genesis, her plan had been to continue in Genesis this week; however, she decided another chapter might be a better fit today. 

"Please turn to Galatians Chapter 6."

"Um Ms. Goodkind," Toni called. 

"Call me Shelby," Shelby corrected her. 

"Shelby, I am not real familiar with navigating the Bible, would you be able to show me?" Toni asked. 

"Knock it off Shalifoe, figure it out." Mouch called from the door. 

"It's fine Officer, I am happy to show her how to find it. I have been reading this book since I was knee high to a cricket so I forget some people aren't as familiar." 

"Galatians is one of Paul's letters, which are housed in the New Testament, so you immediately know you are flipping to the second half of the book. All the names of the books are written on the top margin," Shelby explained as she reached down to turn the pages of the book that was sitting in the woman's lap. As she was leaning over, flipping the pages, she felt the woman's eyes directly on her chest. She then felt the woman's hot breath on her ear, "nice tits," she whispered. A shiver and hot blush snuck up her cheeks as she drew herself up. 

"You are at Romans, the beginning of Paul's letters, you should be able to find it from here." Shelby said quickly as she backed away from the woman, tugging her shirt down in the back as she walked to the front of the group. "I shall not be tempted, I shall not be tempted," Shelby repeated to herself, taking longer than she needed to find the chapter herself, taking a much needed minute to gather her composure. 

When she looked up the brunette was staring at her with intense eye contact, she needed to look somewhere else, anywhere else. 

"Galatians Chapter 6, who wants to start reading, Simmons?" 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted." Simmons began.

She was being tempted but she had been tempted before. She could handle this. She was here to help restore these women gently and share the power of God's love with them. 

They continued reading and discussing the chapter, Shelby lost herself in the Word as she always did and the rest of the hour flew by. 

"Alright Ms. Goodkind, that's enough exposure to the heathens for one day for you," Officer Mouch said as the clock hit 5:00 o'clock. She knew he thought he was being hilarious and she knew she was supposed to play her part and laugh along. However, she couldn't condone the way he worked to dehumanize these women. Just from the two hours she had spent here so far, she had been delighted and impressed by the insights and personal stories they shared about the Word. Some of them, including Jenkins, were as familiar, if not more familiar, with the Bible as she was. She had learned so much already in their short time together. She knew this is exactly where God was calling her to be. 

She hoped she was impacting the women as well. She had studied enough about group dynamics in her sociology courses to know that to win over a group, you had to win over the gatekeeper.

Last week she had guessed Big Momma to be the gate keeper; however, judging by their interactions this week, she believed the small, dark, brunette, Toni to be the actual gatekeeper.

Which was unfortunate for Shelby because she had known immediately it was in her best interest to stay as far away from those brown eyes as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

Toni knew she had a problem when she was in a shower stall knuckle deep in Hatfield’s pussy, Hatfield sucking on her neck and she closed her eyes to pretend she was pumping into Shelby Goodkind.

Hatfield was a nice enough girl but honestly not one of Toni’s more exciting choices. Hatfield tended to just kind of lay or in this case, stand there while Toni went to work. To be honest, she really just gave into Hatfield’s requests to keep her on her good side and typically put on a “phone it in” quality performance.

Toni had memorized each outfit Shelby had worn the four weeks she had seen her so far, all skirts of varying length, which Toni couldn’t help but equate with easy access.

Picturing Shelby’s perfect ass in those tight pencil skirts she favored caused her to go deeper and harder into Hatfield than she normally did. She was definitely not phoning it in this time. She kept her eyes closed imagine that impossibly high blonde ponytail up against the green tile instead of Hatfield brown hair.

Hatfield was barely more responsive than normal but it didn’t damper Toni’s effort at all, in Toni’s head it was Shelby up against the stall anyway. Hatfield did not need to know who she was using as her extra motivation.

“Fuck Shalifoe,” Hatfield moaned as she bit down on Toni’s neck.

Toni had always been a proponent of living in the moment and appreciating the woman she was with. Sure, she had her highlight reel she used to take care of herself and there were plenty of repeat offenders on the highlight reel, Ariana specifically showed up frequently. However, even Ariana, the goddess Ariana, had never invaded Toni’s mind as she was actively fucking someone else.

Ariana was the youngest daughter of notorious gangster Dominic Giaboldi and she was the reasons Toni had been in Texas in the first place. And she was one of the reasons that Giaboldi had narked on Toni, one of his formerly most trusted associates. The other reason had been Lydia, another frequent star of Toni’s highlight reel, who also happened to be Giaboldi’s much younger wife.

Toni couldn’t help it that she and her boss seemed to have similar taste in women. Also, in her defense, they had both come onto her, she didn’t seek either one of them out. Toni wasn’t an idiot, she knew in her brain that either Giaboldi woman was off limits. However, Toni wasn’t used to letting her brain make decisions, she tended to function based on instincts and emotions. She just didn’t have it in her to protest too hard when a beautiful woman was coming onto her.

It had happened first with Lydia. There had been some trouble brewing and Toni had been sent to the Giaboldi’s house to make sure Lydia stayed put for her own safety. She laughed and joked with Mrs. Giaboldi, fulfilling her obligation to her boss to distract her so she didn’t think about wanting to leave the house. Mrs. Giaboldi was tanned with ridiculously large fake tits and long blonde hair, an ex Playboy bunny, exactly what you would expect a powerful gangster’s 4th wife to look like.

Lydia had been flirting with her throughout the afternoon, but Toni had legitimately just thought it was innocent flirting. She had flirted back. One of her former foster fathers had said that she had asked for the extra attention he gave her because she was “the kind of girl that can’t help but flirt with every breath.” She had hit him with a mean right hook moments later and was onto the next placement by the next morning.

So, when Toni excused herself to go to the bathroom, she had certainly not expected Lydia to open the door a few minutes later. “No cameras in here,” she said as she pushed Toni up against the sink kissing her.

“Lydia, I can’t” Toni had tried to say, pulling away as much as she could wedged between the woman and the sink. She knew it was a feeble attempt but she felt like she owed it to her boss to at least try to argue. When Lydia didn’t say anything and just pushed down on Toni’s shoulders, making her desire very plain, Toni stopped arguing.

Toni couldn’t explain what it was about Shelby Goodkind that had inserted herself so firmly in Toni’s mind. They hadn’t even had a proper conversation. Toni had listened to her week after week spouting her God crap. Toni argued her counterpoints to Shelby’s God is great propaganda in her head but never shared with the group. She had never been one to be shy with her opinion or back down for an argument, so sitting calming listening to the conversation each week was out of character for the brunette.

Toni finished Hatfield off faster than normal. After receiving a quick thanks, she wiped her hand on her orange uniform pants and went back to her bunk.

Jenkins was sitting there reading her bible. Which really wasn’t an unusual sight. Shalifoe knew Jenkins could probably lead the bible study as well as Shelby.

“Bible Study is in an hour isn’t that enough bible for one day?” Toni joked as she laid down on her bed and closed her eyes.

“Ms. Goodkind told me what passage we would be reading today so I wanted to pre-read it so I could get my thoughts together.” Jenkins said.

“Teacher’s Pet,” Toni teased. It was true, she could tell that Shelby really respected and admired Jenkins’ faith. Jenkins just ignored her. They had been sharing a bunk for about 5 months now and Jenkins had learned to just ignore Shalifoe’s teasing. It always surprised everyone how well the two of them got on, Toni being this notorious hothead and Jenkins being a quiet nerd.

The truth was Jenkins talked to her like she was smart. No one had ever done that.

Toni had bounced around foster placements and schools so much growing up that she was constantly behind. Missing large chunks of the curriculum each year had made people just assume she wasn’t very intelligent and somewhere along the line Toni started to believe them.

When she got into running “errands” for Giaboldi’s organization, she figured that was probably the best she was capable of, so she dropped out of high school. Jenkins was always trying to talk her into signing up for the jail’s GED’s program but Toni wasn’t going to go through that hell again if she didn’t have to. 

“I have to ask Jenkins, I know you try to your best to read and follow the bible but how does that square with your sexual orientation?” Toni asked. She doesn’t know what makes her think to ask now, it’s something she had always wondered about Jenkins. She had never met anyone before that identified so strongly as both a Christian and a lesbian. She honestly didn’t even realize it was possible to be both.

“I look at the bible as divinely inspired but also a product of the specific time and culture it was written in. I use the bible to remind me of the important things. Love is mentioned so much more in the bible than anything about homosexuality.” Jenkins explained.

“Do you think Ms. Goodkind sees it that way?” Toni asked.

“I really don’t know, so many Christians focus too much on what is and isn’t a sin and forget to let God handle the judgement. I’m just going to say based on the number of glances she steals of you each hour would suggest she might be open minded.” Jenkins said with a raise of the eyebrow.

So, Shelby’s looks weren’t all in Toni’s head, some one else noticed them as well. Good to know.

Shelby tried out three different outfits before she headed to her 5th bible study at the women’s prison. She rationalized that it was just because she wanted to make sure her outfit was appropriate. It had nothing to do with the dark brunette who sat staring at her the entire hour of each session with eyes that felt like she could see right through her.

It had nothing to do with the fact that she felt Toni’s eyes scanning her body the second she walked into the room. It had nothing to do with the fact that every time she went around the semi-circle greeting the women, Toni had a mischievous smirk and complimented something about her outfit.

The bible study had been more rewarding than even she had expected. Simmons and Jenkins in particular had wonderfully insightful comments and observations regarding each reading. It was fascinating to Shelby to see passages she had read a hundred times in a new light thanks to women who had such different life experiences than Shelby.

Even the women who had been slow to participate were starting to come around and participate in the group discussions, she felt like she was making inroads in her mission of spreading God’s love. She felt so honored that these women trusted her enough to share their stories with her.

The stories they shared broke Shelby’s heart. These women had suffered trauma that Shelby couldn’t even fathom, yet they still had hope and they still were willing to at least listen to her preaching about God

The things they had been through helped her keep her struggle with same-sex attraction in perspective. She had a great life, so what that she would never have a partner to share in it with her? She had safety and stability that most of these women had never had.

Well, all except Toni. Shelby got the idea that she was really only there each week to make Shelby uncomfortable. She never had anything to say or questions to ask about the week’s reading. Toni never took her eyes off her. 

Shelby decided to go with a light grey pantsuit this week, to keep it extremely professional, change it up from the skirts she had worn previously. She also didn’t hate the way the blazer extenuated her curves and slim waist, not that she was thinking about how she looked at all. She was going to a woman’s prison after all, who there was she trying to impress?

When she walked in Shelby smiled to see the usual suspects and a few new additions. To Shelby’s surprise, the group size had slowly increased each week. Shelby took the consistent growth as a sign that she was doing good work. She made her rounds introducing herself, welcoming the rest of the women and passing out the loaner Bibles.

She worked her way away the room in such a way that Toni was the last woman she approached.

When Shelby finally approached her, she couldn’t help but notice the hickey on the woman’s neck. It looked fresh. Shelby imagined what Toni might have been doing to whoever had given her that mark. Had they just been kissing and her partner had been over zealous? Had Toni been touching her partner? Had the woman left that mark because of how good Toni had made her feel.

“Hey you okay Ms, Goodkind?” Officer Mouch called out as Shelby felt her knees go weak as she let her thoughts wonder.

“I’m fine, thank you Officer.”

“You sure you okay there Shelby, you look a little flushed,” Toni said as she accepted the Bible from Shelby, the brunette’s hand grazing hers and seeming to linger a moment longer than necessary. Shelby tried her best not to wonder what that hand might having been doing earlier that day.

“I shall not be tempted, I shall not be tempted,” Shelby repeated to herself as she walked back to her chair in front of the semi-circle.

“Okay ladies, Exodus 20. We are going to look at the Ten Commandments this week, Shalifoe will you read them for me?” Shelby asked. It was all part of her strategy to draw the woman more into the conversation and the group.

 **“** Then God spoke all these words: … Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work.But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; … therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and consecrated it. Honor your father and your mother,” Toni read.

“Shalifoe would have to have those to honor them. They were smart enough to get the hell out of dodge.” One of the new women said, Shelby thought her name was Giorgio. She watched Toni’s jaw tighten and her hands clench around the bible in her hands.

“Shut it Giorgio.” Mouch called disinterestedly from his chair by the door.

Toni looked up at Shelby who held her eye contact, there was so much pain in those deep brown eyes. Something in Shelby just wanted to wrap this small, sad, angry girl in her arms, but she knew that would never be an option.

Instead, she nodded gently at her and said, “go ahead.”

“So that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. You shall not murder.You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal.You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife,” Toni read.

“What does it say about your boss’ wife or daughter? You might need to read that verse again Shalifoe. Maybe this time it will stick.” Giorgio said and a woman sitting next to her laughed.

“Fuck off Giorgio.” Toni said standing up. Shelby watching her hands clench into fists.

“Just saying, that’s what landed you in here right, coveting and all?”

Before Shelby could even react, Toni was over her chair and fists pounding on the woman and the other inmates were beginning to circle and cheer.

“ENOUGH,” Shelby screamed as Mouch grabbed Toni and dragged her out of the room. Shelby watched her go, wondering what kind of justice it was that Giorgio was sitting back in her chair smugly while Toni was the one in trouble.

As all the woman settled back in their chairs, Shelby couldn’t help but be impressed that they listened.

“Giorgio, go ahead and finish ready for us.” Shelby said as sweetly as she could.

Toni didn’t return the rest of the hour. Shelby didn’t know the punishment for punching someone but she found herself hoping it wasn’t too bad.

“Hey Ms. Goodkind, thanks again for coming. I’m sorry about the interruption,” Jenkins said to her as she was gathering her things. Jenkins was so polite, she thanked Shelby every time and had insightful commentary regarding each week’s reading.

“Hey Jenkins, you have a minute?” Shelby asked.

Jenkins chuckled, “Ms. Goodkind, I aint got nothing but time.”

Shelby blushed, she hadn’t realized the stupidity of her question. “I’m sorry, call me Shelby.”

“Well then you can all me Latoya, I get so used to only going by last name in her, it’s nice to use my actual name.” she said.

“Nice to meet you Latoya. Do you think Toni will be okay?”

“Shalifoe? Yeah she’ll be fine. She’s my bunkmate, she’s a tough one. Dealt a rough hand, no parents worth speaking about and hasn’t had a visitor in the five months I’ve been here. Giorgio has been goading her since she got here. On the outside Toni worked for Giorgio’s uncle. Some people can’t help but bring outside issues inside.”

“No visitors in five months?” Shelby asked. Having no one to come see you must make this place even lonelier.

“Not a one.” Latoya said shaking her head. “Shelby, I’ll tell her you asked about her, I think she will like to hear that. It’s always nice to know someone cares, especially in a place like this.”

“Thanks, and I wanted you to pick the reading for next week, whatever you like.” Shelby said with a smile.

“Really? Yeah I can do that. Thanks Shelby.” Latoya said, smiling wide, as she left the room and Shelby followed Mouch out of the room.

Letting Latoya lead the next bible study wasn’t the only idea she was formulating in her head.

“Mouch, what is the visiting policy? Do I need to be on an approved list?” Shelby asked.


	3. Chapter 3

“Visitation Time: The following inmates please report to visitation area: “Ames, Anderson, Arnold, Bogle, Bright, Conrad, Danridge, Fogle, French, Gordon, Gray, Henderson, Jackson, Jenkins, Johnson, Jones, Joyner... Simmons, Shalifoe.”

What? Toni looked up from the magazine she was flipping through.

Did they just say her name?

They never said her name.

She had exactly one visitor since she had gotten locked up.

Ariana.

About a month after she got here, Ariana showed up, as gorgeous and heart breaking as ever, with a huge ass diamond ring on her left-hand, telling Toni that what they had was no more than a fling and it was over. She was engaged to Johnny, her dad’s driver.

Johnny? Toni couldn’t even picture who this Johnny character was or what he looked like.

Toni had done a stint as one of Dominic’s drivers too as she moved up in the organization, that was how she had first seen Ariana. Dominic had asked Toni to run to the airport and pick up his little girl, straight from college in Texas.

The woman who stepped up to her as she was holding the stupid little sign she had made was no “little girl,” she was one of the most beautiful women Toni had ever seen in person.

It was months of stolen looks and glances before anything happened.

At that point Toni knew she was playing a dangerous game, fucking Lydia whenever they were able to steal away. She wasn’t about to double the trouble and start anything with Dominic’s little girl. She was just so beautiful. And smart.

Toni lived for the nights when she got to sit near Ariana at the Giaboldi’s famous spaghetti dinners.

Toni started getting more and more assignments that involved Ariana. She later admitted she had told her dad that most of his men creeped her out and she felt more comfortable around Toni. Another lie. Ariana was a woman who could handle herself and no one in Dominic’s organization was stupid enough to even look at Ariana wrong. She truly was daddy’s little girl and she had him completely wrapped around her finger.

When she went back to college in September, she convinced her dad that she didn’t want to fly, she wanted to drive down and of course she needed Toni to drive her. Chicago to College Station was a 16-hour drive. Her father booked them two rooms in Memphis, TN, the halfway point.

Toni had barely set her bag down in her own room before the phone was ringing that Ariana needed her. Toni made her way down the hall, pretty sure that this was not a good idea. She told herself maybe she just needed help unpacking or something.

When Ariana opened the door in a black lace teddy, Toni knew she was fucked.

She knew Ariana’s father had sent her; she could see it in her eyes. Or maybe she saw what she wanted to see. 

It was more than a fling to Toni and it broke her heart just to hear Ariana say that’s all it was. It was love. At least it was for Toni. The first time since high school that she had felt anything even close. She prided herself on remaining “emotionally unavailable,” that all went out the window pretty quickly with Ariana and those big brown eyes. Late night conversations in bed after a little weed and a little vodka where Toni found herself talking about her childhood, telling her things she never told anyone.

For Ariana, Toni had been willing to give up everything she had worked for, the life she had made for herself in Chicago. That’s what had brought her to Texas in the first place, they were running away together, their only mistake had been underestimating Ariana’s father that he didn’t have reach everywhere. Toni was realizing just how far his reach went now that Giorgio was in the same prison unit.

The whole visit Toni had just stared at Ariana’s eyes, it was the only place she could find the truth. Every word Ariana had said had been a lie, a performance. Knowing her father, there was probably a guard on the payroll, even here. Toni hadn’t said a word, just stared at those brown eyes that looked as if they were hurting as much as she was.

“Aren’t you going to congratulate me Toni?” Ariana asked, Toni had heard her voice cracking for a millisecond when she had said Toni’s name, then her perfect, fake veneer went back up.

“Congratulations.” Toni had spat out as she got up and walked out of the visitation area.

That was the last visitor she had, almost a year ago know. Which is why she went right to her magazine. 

“Shalifoe, c’mon,” Jenkins said leaving their bunk area. They had actually called her name.

“Who the fuck is coming to see me?” Shalifoe said. She was starting to get nervous, had something happened to Marty? Her childhood friend and really the only person in the world who gave a shit about her. Marty wrote Toni everyday through the messaging system but she was pregnant so she knew she wasn’t hopping on a plane from Minnesota, not that she had the money for that anyway.

Had Ariana finally come out from under her dad’s thumb?

Toni’s mind was going a mile a minute as she walked down the hallway.

When she turned the corner, she saw Shelby Goodkind sitting at a table by herself smiling eagerly at her.

There was no one at any of the other tables that she knew.

Was she really here to visit Toni?

Why?

To pray the gay away? To offer her help to turn her away from a life of sin? To ask her to stop coming to bible study after the incident with Giorgio last week?

The blonde looked different, surprisingly more beautiful, if that was possible. Her hair was down and loose and she had on jeans and a green sweater. It’s an outfit that Toni could imagine her wearing on a coffee date, preparing to meet a blind date perhaps.

It’s an idea that invades her head uninvited, and it makes Toni, in another world, another time, imagine herself meeting Shelby on a date. She would definitely not be wearing a baggy orange uniform if it were a date. It wouldn’t be so one sided in the appearance department. She blushed thinking about her messy bun, and she wished she looked nicer for the visit.

What was she thinking? Get it together Shalifoe. This woman was not here for a date but probably to tell her that “her lifestyle choice,” would land her in Hell.

Shelby stands up and smiles as Toni approaches the table cautiously. Here goes nothing.

<><><><><

“Hi Toni,” Shelby says sitting back down awkwardly as Toni sits on the bench and folds her one leg under her. Shelby smiles, Mouch was right the first day, she hasn’t seen Toni sit normally yet. Why does Shelby notice and why does it make her smile?

“Hey Shelby. What are you doing here?” Toni asked. Shelby couldn’t tell from her tone whether she was upset that she had come or just surprised. Shelby had got dressed and undressed multiple times this morning, talking herself out and then back into coming. This was just an extension of her ministry she told herself. Matthew 25:36: “I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.”

“I just thought you might like to see a friendly face. We haven’t gotten a chance to get to know each other, in the group. And I wanted to make sure you were okay after the other day.” Shelby said with a shy smile. Toni rubbed the back of her neck.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Giorgio came in here having beef with me. I don’t get a lot of visitors.” The look on Toni’s face broke her heart, she looked so sad and vulnerable. Once again, she had the desire to just wrap the small woman in her arms. What was it about this woman that kept making her want to care for her?

“Well, I am glad you are okay.” Shelby said, genuinely meaning it.

“Were you worried about me Ms. Goodkind?” Toni said teasingly. She was a flirt. She was good at it. Shelby took a deep breath, “I shall not be tempted. I shall not be tempted.”

Shelby had been saying that refrain to herself almost daily since she went to Camp True Intentions when she was 16. She struggled with same sex attraction her whole life. Sometimes she asked God why he burdened her with this struggle. Just by being here, she was going against one of the strategies she had learned at camp, do not put yourself in tempting situations. Sitting here with this beautiful and flirtatious woman was absolutely a tempting situation. Shelby found herself staring at Toni’s neck.

“I worry about all of the women in the bible study.” Shelby said, feeling the need to cover. It was true, to a point, but if she was being honest with herself there was something about Toni that she found intriguing.

“Are you going to visit all of them too?” Toni asked searchingly. Shelby couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in her stomach when those intense brown eyes settled on her. She felt like Toni was looking right through her, seeing all of her well-hidden struggles and desires.

“You’re the first,” Shelby said, both of them knowing she did not answer the question. “So tell me Toni, what three words would you use describe yourself?” Shelby asked, pulling from the list of conversation starters she had looked up on her phone while waiting for visitation time to begin.

Shelby had gotten up here early, not knowing how much time to allow for the pre-screening security time. She had met Jenkin’s wife and daughter, which had been a really nice coincidence. It made her want to get to know Jenkins even more. Maybe Shelby could learn something for her. Jenkins knew more about the bible that most of the people in her father’s church but she also had a wife. She had seemingly figured out how to allow those two things to co-exist in a way that Shelby had always been told wasn’t possible.

“Did you look up a list of lame ice breaker questions or something?” Toni asked. Shelby couldn’t help but blush. “Oh my God you did!” Toni teased laughing. Shelby loved the sound of her laugh.

“I like ice breakers and games. Goodkinds like games.” Shelby said laughing as well, realizing how lame it was but the way Toni had said it was not judgmental. It didn’t make her embarrassed in a bad way.

“Let’s just talk, like I said, I don’t get a lot of visitors, not a lot of news from the outside. Tell me about your day.” Toni said softly pulling her other leg up under her. Shelby didn’t even understand how she was sitting like that on the bench. She must be extremely flexible. Stop it Shelby. 

“Well, it’s Saturday, so I woke up and went to yoga, shhh don’t tell my dad.” Shelby said.

“Don’t tell your dad that you do yoga?” Toni asked.

“Yeah, one because he owns a gym so I shouldn’t really be giving my business elsewhere, ‘It is not ringing endorsement for my business if my own daughter chooses to work out at another establishment, also Yoga isn’t Christian” Shelby said in her best Dave Goodkind impression. She laughed at herself, she didn’t know why she was telling this woman this but it felt nice. Shelby’s whole world was her father’s. There was no one she could make fun of him with, everybody idolized him.

“I didn’t know exercises were Christian or Un-Christian,” Toni joked. “I’ve never taken a yoga class. It’s like stretching and stuff right?”

“Yeah, its based on a lot of Eastern religious practices which is my dad’s issue with it. But it focuses on the whole body and its connection to your mind and your breathing, everything all died together, that’s what I like about it.”

“That sounds cool. I’m pretty flexible so I’d probably be decent at it. Sounds like new agey bullshit to me though.” Toni said. Again the idea of Toni’s flexibility firmly implanting itself in Shelby’s mind.

“What do you do to work-out?” Shelby asked. Toni had been right, it was nice to just talk and she was surprised how easily the conversation flowed between them. Toni told her how here she mostly lifted weights, which caused Shelby to involuntarily look at the woman’s defined arms. Shelby had worried about it awkward for no reason. Soon, too soon, the guard announced, “Visitation ends in two minutes.”

“Damn that went fast.” Toni said and Shelby felt like she had been reading her mind, it had flown by.

“Yeah, it did.” Shelby agreed.

“Shelby, thank you. It means a lot that you would take the time to come out here and visit. I mean it. I would like it came back, if you wanted to, I mean.” Toni said fidgeting with the sleeve of her uniform top. Shelby hadn’t seen this nervous side of the brunette yet. Did she make her nervous?

“I’m always up for good conversation, I’ll be back,” Shelby said as she stood up. “Bye Toni, I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

“Bye Shelby,” Toni said with a smile and Shelby could feel the woman’s eyes on her as she walked out the visitation area.


	4. Chapter 4

Jenkins walked in as Toni was braiding her hair.

“Getting all fancy for Bible Study?” Jenkins asked with a grin.

“Fuck off, just felt like braiding it today.” Toni responded.

“Right, we are just going to keep pretending that I didn’t see who your visitor was on Saturday.” Jenkins said sarcastically.

“Shelby is going to visit everybody in the bible study, probably.” Toni felt a blush creeping up, she knew that Shelby hadn’t really answered that question but for some reason she felt the need to protect Shelby from Jenkins’ questions.

“Joanie said she met my bible study teacher on Saturday, they apparently had a nice chat. She said she was there to visit a friend. Just saying.” Jenkins said.

“Does it bother you that she knows you’re a lesbian now? Like it’s going to diminish your bible study cred?” Toni asked, finishing up her braid.

“Nah, I don’t hide who I am. Joanie said Shelby complimented my faith and Joanie told her some about our church, she said Shelby seemed really interested. So, who knows what her view is, but she at least seems open? And I don’t think she came to visit you because of your sparkling personality.” Jenkins teased.

“Fuck off. It wasn’t like that at all, we had a good conversation. It was just nice to talk to someone new.” Toni said, standing up.

“Right, gotcha. Let’s see if you pay as much attention as I’m leading this week.” Jenkins teased as they headed out of their bunk.

Toni felt the butterflies starting as she walked into the room, seeing Shelby already there, chatting with a few of the women. She looked gorgeous as always, this week in a pink and white dress that was Toni’s new favorite. Her hair was down again, Toni really liked it down she decided.

“Alright y’all, take your seats! C’mon up here with me Jenkins.” Shelby announced. Everyone took their normal seats, leaving Jenkins’ seat, next to Toni, open in the semi-circle.

“We are going to do this week a little different, Jenkins picked the scripture for this week and is going to lead us but I thought I would open this week with a song.” Shelby said. Toni put her foot back down on the ground and lean forward. Shelby sang? She really enjoyed learning new things about this beautiful woman.

“O Lord my God, When I am in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds thy hands have made; I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, thy power throughout the universe displayed. Then sings my soul, My Savior God to Thee, How great Thou art…” Shelby began. Toni had never heard the song but she swore it was the most beautiful song she had ever heard.

Shelby’s singing voice was lower than her speaking voice and fuller. Her voice was lovely, but it was the feeling that she put into the lyrics that made the song beautiful. Toni could feel the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She would have never guessed that a Jesus song would ever elicit that kind of reaction within her.

Toni took her eyes off of Shelby for a minute to take in everyone else’s reactions and she could tell she was not the only one affected by Shelby’s moving rendition, Simmons and Jenkins were both wiping tears from their eyes. When Shelby finished, Toni popped up giving a standing ovation, she made eye contact with Shelby who smiled shyly. She didn’t even care if other women noticed, but luckily everyone stood up to clap as well.

“Damn, Ms. Goodkind can saaang!” Big Momma said. Everyone started laughing, including Shelby, and once again Toni was struck by how much she loved the sound of her laugh.

“Thank you, ladies, does anyone play guitar, I could bring one next week?” Shelby asked. Toni’s was the only hand that went up. She missed her guitar. It was one of the few things she had left from her mom, she had left it with Marti for safe keeping.

Her only good memories from the time she lived with her mom involved that guitar. They used to go on camping trips with her mom’s friends and they all sat around the campfire playing guitars and singing. One of her mom’s friends had started teaching Toni when she was around 5, along with basketball, playing guitar was one of the things that had kept Toni sane as she went in and out of all those foster homes.

“I doubt we know any of the same songs.” Toni joked, looking at Shelby again.

“I’ll bring it next week, I’m sure we can find some similarities.” Shelby said smiling. Toni realized she would try her hardest on the guitar next week just to see that smile directed at her

Fuck.

This is not a good idea Shalifoe, she said warning herself, knowing she was catching feelings.

Shelby felt a flutter in her stomach when Toni had been the one who could play guitar. Shelby had always been a sucker for girls with guitars, from a far of course. Shelby only had any feelings for girls from a far.

She had made the mistake of acting on her feelings one time too many and it had cost the life of her best friend, Becca. Shelby would never forgive herself for being weak and giving into her desires and then for not being courageous enough to admit to it. She had blamed everything on Becca because she had been terrified of her father finding out the truth.

When Shelby found out that Becca had taken her own life, Shelby couldn’t help but think her lies and betrayal had played a significant role. The worst part was, the lying had been for naught, her father suspected the truth any way and that was the summer he sent her to True Intentions. Shelby had kissed boys of course but she was 25 and had only ever had one kiss in her life that meant anything to her, and that kiss had cost her everything.

“Take it away Jenkins.”

Shelby went to sit down and realized the only seat left was directly next to Toni. She didn’t hate that. She looked at the floor as she sat down.

“I didn’t know you could sing like that, that was beautiful. Also, I like when you wear your hair down.” Toni whispered as she pretended she was reaching down to adjust her shoe.

Shelby just smiled as kept looking forward as Jenkins directed them to go to the Gospel of John.

Shelby had made the right call to let Jenkins lead the group, she had insightful commentary and seemed to draw the other women in even more. It was such a blessing to get to watch these women experiencing the Word together.

Shelby also had to admit she liked getting to sit next to Toni as well. She had trouble describing what sitting next to her felt like, the only word that kept popping up in her head was nice, it felt nice, but that just didn’t seem sufficient, comfortable, that was it, sitting next to Toni was comfortable, and it wasn’t the folding chair.

Jenkins asked a woman named Flack to lead them in prayer.

“Dear Lord, thank you for this time together and with you. Thank you for Ms. Goodkind for sharing her talent with us today and empowering us to take ownership of this time. We are blessed by her heart and her faith in us to help us keep our own fires of faith alive in tough circumstances. Please keep us all safe in you love in the coming week. Amen.” Flack said.

Shelby had to wipe a tear from her eye. This, this was the ministry her church had been missing.

As the room cleared, Shelby went to thank Flack for the beautiful prayer and thank Jenkins for leading the group this week. She noticed in the corner of her eye that Toni seemed to be waiting for her nervously. Shelby thanked both women again, excused herself and went over to where Toni stood by the door.

“Hey,” Shelby said walking up.

“I um wanted to tell you, we have a messaging system, its how I talk to my best friend in Minnesota, I think you have to pay some, so if you don’t want to, don’t feel obligated, but I um thought maybe if you wanted we could um email. I don’t really have a lot of people to talk to.” Toni said, looking at the ground instead of at Shelby.

She couldn’t help but feel that flutter again thinking about how she, Shelby, made this cocky, passionate woman so nervous that she was looking at the ground.

“I would like that. And I’ll see you Saturday?” Shelby asked.

As she did, she saw Toni’s eyes light up and Shelby felt a wave of warmth that she was the reason for that light.

“You shall not be tempted.” Shelby said to herself.

The woman just needed a friend, that was all.

Shelby was being a friend.

That was her only motivation, providing friendship to someone in need…

She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince, God or herself.


	5. Chapter 5

Before Bible Study, more accurately, before Shelby, all the days in lock up ran together, Tuesdays were no different than Saturdays. Now Wednesdays and Saturdays were her new favorite days. Not that she didn’t talk to Shelby every day on the prison’s messaging service.

Conversation just flowed so easily between them. It had been 5 months since Bible Study had started. Shelby had visited every Saturday without fail. Toni looked forward to just sitting and talking with Shelby. Toni found herself telling Shelby things that she hadn’t even told Ariana.

Confiding in Shelby is so much different than confiding in Ariana had been. With Ariana, the talking had been late at night, fueled by booze and weed, after they had sex. They never talked until Ariana had gotten something out of Toni. The longer Toni was in here, the more she realized the relationship with Ariana had been all on Ariana’s terms.

Shelby listens to Toni for no reason. She is not getting anything from Toni. Other than Marti, and Jenkins, but she’s stuck in a bunk with her, no one else in her life has made Toni feel like they are interested in just her.

Toni is interested in Shelby too and not just physically, even though, that is still there and stronger than ever. She loves listening to Shelby tell stories about her family, even her church, and of course music. That’s the main thing they have in common. Toni’s been playing the guitar at Bible Study for a few months, they started simple with some old folk songs they both knew. Now on Saturdays, Shelby brought music and they talked about the songs they would use on Wednesday.

Toni has even cut way back on her typical extra curriculars with other inmates, on the rare occasion that she did still have relations, it was always Shelby’s face in her head. Toni knew that was not healthy. Shelby was just a good person who wanted to be her friend, nothing more.

Toni did find it curious though that Shelby never talked about boyfriends or girlfriends (wishful thinking on Toni’s part). She was beautiful, smart, and amazing how was she not seeing anyone?

“Visitation Time: The following inmates please report to visitation area: “Anderson, Arnold, Bogle, Bright, Conrad, Fogle, French, Giorgio, Gordon, Gray, Henderson, Jenkins, Joyner... Simmons, Shalifoe, Williams, Wilson, Young.”

Toni and Latoya left their bunk and fell into line with all the other women headed to the visitation area. Just Toni’s luck that they fell in line right in front of Giorgio. Every time she was within hearing distance Giorgio had something to say.

“Who would visit your skank ass Shalifoe? Tricked another woman?” Giorgio whispered.

“Not worth it T,” Jenkins said from in front of Toni. Toni knew she was right. She just kept walking, not giving Giorgio any reaction at all.

Toni loved the feeling she got when she saw Shelby sitting there waiting for her each week. She had her hair down, less makeup than she typically wore on Wednesdays, leggings and a long tunic. Toni couldn’t help but wish she could see Shelby’s ass in those leggings.

“Hey,” Toni said, smiling and settling into the table.

“Hey, so you will never believe what happened at yoga this morning, someone got stuck in a pose. The paramedics had to come?” Shelby said.

“What? How does that even happen? Who knew yoga was a dangerous sport?” Toni joked.

She loved this more than she should. Just sitting with Shelby and hearing some ridiculous story of her day. An image popped into her head of a small apartment, maybe a dog running around, sitting with Shelby on the couch, maybe with a beer, hearing Shelby talk about her day. She wanted to come home to Shelby. Sit on the couch watching movies but mostly she just wanted to have conversations with Shelby forever.

Toni knew that this was just friendship, an act of charity to Shelby. She had to keep reminding herself that her feelings were all one sided and were only going to end up hurting her.

She had 6 months left in her sentence, and after that she would probably never hear from or see Shelby ever again. The plan when she got out was to get herself back to Minnesota, find her job, get herself back on her feet. Stay as far away from Giaboldi and his organization as possible.

“Did you apply to take the GED course and test yet?” Shelby asked. This is the other part about Shelby that Toni didn’t understand. She seemed to genuinely care about her and she asked about GED every day. Toni assumed this is what nagging felt like. She never had a mother who nagged. She had never really had anyone care enough to nag over and over again. It was a nice feeling, one she could get used to.

“Yes, I did, the coordinator said I should be able to take the test before my release.” Toni responded.

“I’m proud of you, for real,” Shelby said and she put her hand on Toni’s on the table. The spark that shot through Toni wasn’t wholly unexpected but still caused Toni to catch her breath. She made eye contact with Shelby who was smiling at her.

Toni couldn’t tell you what they talked about the rest of the visit, or even how much longer the visit was.

Why?

Because Shelby left her hand on top of hers the rest of the visit.

Shelby didn’t know why she did it. She was just so overcome with pride that Toni had taken the step to get her GED. A step for her future after she got out.

She reached her hand out and laid it on top of Toni’s. Her hand felt so perfect underneath hers that Shelby couldn’t make herself move her hand the rest of the visit.

She wanted to move her hand further up her arm, she wanted to put her hand in that wavy brown hair. She wanted to caress her face. She to feel Toni’s hand on her face. She really wanted to feel the woman’s lips on hers.

Stop Shelby, just stop.

This was against everything she had learned at True Intentions. However, she had been reading a book that one of her classmates at seminary had recommended. He had recommended a whole list; she had no idea there were so many books writing about Gay Christians. She was reading “God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships.” The book was helping her to rewrite some of the “truths,” she had grown up thinking were absolutes.

Even if a same sex relationship was not a sin, something she still wasn’t able to completely believe, who would love her? So much of who she was and what she did was wrapped up in a church that had not treated those with same sex attraction well.

Her father was known throughout the state as someone who offered “counseling for battling same sex attraction.” Regardless of where Shelby’s own beliefs fell, her father cast a long shadow. One of the hardest parts of seminary, was trying to carve out her own beliefs from that of her father’s.

She was still a work in progress but books like the one she was reading were definitely a step out on her own. It was hard though, she knew she couldn’t talk about what she was reading and her thoughts about it with her dad, which was a weird feeling for her since he was the one, she was used to discussing theology with. He was the one who had taught her to think deeper about scripture, he was the one who had taught her how to take scripture and craft it into a sermon that was relatable for the congregation. Her understanding of what it meant to be a Christian was so entangled with the love and resentment she felt toward Dave Goodkind.

“Visitation Ends in 2 Minutes”

It never failed, that announcement always played too soon and it always disappointed Shelby that it was time to leave Toni for another few days. She didn’t want to take her hand away even now. As if she could read her mind, Toni flipped her hand and squeezed Shelby’s hand, as she stood up.

“You look good today Shelby, thanks for coming back,” Toni said. Shelby couldn’t help but blush whenever Toni complimented her appearance. Also, she thanked Shelby for visiting every week as if she didn’t think she would be back.

If today wasn’t Wednesday, Shelby knew she would be in a foul mood, but knowing she would be at the woman’s prison for Bible Study this afternoon kept her in a good mood.

The visit from the older man in the congregation that wanted to complain about the fact that one of their holiday collection efforts was supporting a home car organization that counted AIDS patients among the population it served couldn’t ruin her Wednesday mood.

The call from a woman offering to run a “Joys of Traditional Marriage Seminar,” for the youth and young adults groups couldn’t ruin her Wednesday mood.

Overhearing her father counseling a young man to, “find a beautiful young lady and do what comes naturally,” almost brought her down. She couldn’t help but think about the messages of abstinence and waiting until marriage that had been pushed down her throats when she was the boy’s age. Apparently the message for young boys really was different than young girls, at least where her father was concerned. Even that double standard couldn’t ruin her Wednesday mood.

The only thing that ruined her Wednesday mood?

A pickup truck running a red light and running directly into the passenger side of her car, spinning her around as her car also got hit again by another car headed in the opposite direction. 


	6. Chapter 6

Toni hummed the song Shelby had messaged about playing today. The messaging with Shelby was almost as exciting as when she got to see her in person. There was a lag in the prison messaging system as messages had to be screened and approved but it was still nice to be able to get to hear from Shelby throughout the week. Toni was still buzzing inside from the hand holding incident on Saturday. And it might all be in her head, but Shelby’s messages since Saturday had seemed to take on a flirtier tone. Shelby even ended last night message with, “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even wear my hair down. 😉”

That message and the hand holding were enough to push Toni over the edge. She woke up early to spend a little extra “Toni time” in the shower this morning touching herself as she imagined Shelby’s soft perfectly manicured hands all over her. She also imagines pushing those perfect hands above Shelby’s head and Toni letting hers wander all over that beauty queen body. She imagines Shelby wearing nothing but her Ms. Travis County sash as Toni’s mouth occupies itself between her legs.

“Are any of the scriptures we are reading implanting themselves in that hard head of yours? Or is it really all about the eye candy for you?” Jenkins joked as they headed to the rec room.

“That is what it started as, sure. I like the stuff about loving your neighbor and caring for people that need help. The emphasis on community.” Toni responded and it was true, in recent months they had been focusing on Paul’s letters to the early church and it struck Toni how much importance he placed on all being accountable for each other.

“Shelby is definitely a good influence on you. How many times did I try to convince you to register for GED course? She says it once and boom you are on board.” Jenkins teased.

Thinking about her GED course made Toni think of when she told Shelby about it.

Thinking about telling Shelby made Toni think about Shelby’s hand on top of hers.

Thinking about Shelby’s hand on top of hers made her think of her fantasy from the shower.

It was a vicious cycle.

Toni just smiled at Jenkins as they entered the rec room. Surprisingly, Shelby wasn’t there yet. She was typically there before them, talking to the other women, maybe she was just running late today.

Five minutes passed.

Twenty minutes passed.

Shelby had never been this late before. Shelby didn’t say anything in her message last night about having a particularly busy day today or anything. She just said she had a few meetings at the church.

What were the meetings about?

Did something happen that made Shelby second guessing holding Toni’s hand? Had things gotten too gay for her? Had the touching crossed a line she wasn’t willing to cross?

Fuck.

Somehow Toni found a way to fuck up everything that could be good.

After 30 minutes of waiting, Mouch told them Bible Study was canceled.

Damnit. Shelby probably never wanted to see Toni again.

Toni had been crazy to think it could be anything. She could never pull a girl as classy as that in the real world. Shelby was only nice to her because she felt bad for the lonely bad girl. She was a character in a bad late-night movie. She pitied Toni and that felt worse than anything.

Toni punched the wall as she walked out of the rec room, she heard Mouch call after her, “Watch it Shalifoe.”

Giorgio walked up behind her, “Must have scared off your little girlfriend. She probably heard how dirty you are, she didn’t want to catch something AJAX can’t get rid of.” Giorgio laughed as her and her little minions pushed past Toni.

Toni went to the computer room to check her messages. 

No messages.

Yard time came and went.

No messages.

Dinner came and went.

No messages.

Toni went to check one last time before lights out.

No messages.

Toni took her frustrations out by fucking some new girl who had been flirting with her for a few days in a bathroom stall. She imagined it was Shelby for a second and then stopped when she felt a pang in her chest. She had even fucked up that fantasy.

Shelby awoke with ridiculously bright lights assaulting her eyes as soon as she opened them.

“Shelby darling!” Her mom exclaimed as she hopped up from a ratty red hospital chair.

That’s when Shelby realized she was in a hospital bed. But how did she get here?

The last thing she could remember was that she was heading to see Toni. Bible Study she meant, she was heading to Bible Study. It wasn’t all about Toni. At least not on Wednesdays.

She looked at the window behind her mom, it was dark.

She had missed Bible Study.

Would Toni be worried? Would she even care?

“What happened?” Shelby asked as she looked down and noticed that she had a full cast on her right arm and hand, all the way down to her fingers. The hand that 4 days ago had been holding Toni’s hand. . 

“Oh baby, you were in a bad accident but Jesus was looking out for you. You just have a broken arm and hand. Thank the Lord it wasn’t worse. Praise be to Jesus.” Jobeth Goodkind exclaimed as her husband walked into the room.

“Ah you are awake kiddo. Thank the Lord.” Dave Goodkind said as he kissed his wife on the forehead and handed her a coffee. Shelby wished she could have a love like that. She knew she never would because God had saddled her with this burden of same sex attraction. She was destined to be alone.

This car accident was a wake up call that she was playing with fire at the women’s prison. God had sent her a message that she needed to repent and correct her sinful behavior. She had given into temptation by holding Toni’s hand and now that hand was broken. It could not be a coincidence.

She would still visit the woman but she could not touch her. Maybe the Lord had brought her into Toni’s life so she could bring Toni away from her sinful life.

She had been delusional reading those books, there were not multiple acceptable Biblical interpretations, there was right and there was wrong.

Her accident today proved the truth, God was warning her to stay away from Toni Shalifoe.


	7. Chapter 7

Toni didn’t get a message until Friday morning.

“Hello. I am sorry I missed Bible Study. I was unfortunately in an accident. God Bless.”

Toni read it 5 times, convinced that she missed something. Was this a sick joke? Did someone other than Shelby write this? If it was Shelby what the fuck happened? An accident? That’s all she got? Is that all she was to Shelby? Someone who only deserved a one line reply after 2 days of radio silence.

She didn’t immediately reply. She didn’t know how.

The message put her in foul mood.

“Someone piss in your cheerios Shalifoe?” Jenkins asked after Toni had snapped at her for about the tenth time that day.

“All good.” Shalifoe said, sitting back on her bunk, crossing her arms and staring up at the ceiling.

“I call bullshit. For real Toni what’s up?” Jenkins asked, as if she genuinely cared. Toni felt her iciness melt slightly; she knew that Jenkins did actually care.

“Shelby. She sent me a fucked up one-line message. I don’t know what I did wrong. I read the message she sent Tuesday night and it was normal for us, a little about bible study, a lot about life, a little flirty. She even said Tuesday night that she couldn’t wait to see me. Then today I get 16 words. Two of which are God Bless. Is she fucking kidding? God Bless??” Toni ranted, feeling her anger build as she vocalized everything about the message that pissed her off.

“Maybe it was going too fast for her?” Jenkins asked.

“Fast? It has been 5 months and she fucking held my hand for a half hour. Maybe it got too gay for her. Or I got too in prison for her. I should have fucking known better. Girls like her don’t go for girls like me. I am a fucking idiot forever thinking any different.” Toni said leaning against the wall.

“Fuck the pity party Shalifoe. You have no idea what changed for her. You guys had real conversations, right? That’s what you liked about her right? So respond and have a real conversation.” Jenkins said.

Toni took a deep breath, Jenkins was right. As much as that message pissed her off, she needed to ask Shelby about it. She really hoped Shelby was still coming tomorrow.

Toni nodded at Jenkins when she got up and headed to the computer room. When she got there, there was a line. Of course. And who was at the end of the line? Giorgio. Of all fucking people.

“Shalifoe. Checking on your little girl? Heard she ran into some car trouble. Seems pretty dangerous to be close to you.” Giorgio sneered.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Toni asked, feeling her blood boiling.

“Just saying bad things happen to good people who align themselves with you.” Giorgio laughed as she turned back around.

Toni didn’t even consciously decide to push Giorgio. Had she thought about it for even a second she would have known it was an extremely bad idea. A disastrous idea. As much as Giorgio was a hateful bitch, she was a powerful bitch with a lot of sheep who were so terrified of her that they did whatever she wanted.

That’s how Toni ended up on the floor being beaten by 6 women.

After she pushed Giorgio, it was like they came out of nowhere. She knew that this was what Giorgio wanted. It was why she goaded Toni over and over. She had been begging Toni to touch her, to bring them to this moment.

Toni was so mad at herself for fucking up whatever had been almost, maybe about to start with Shelby. Toni didn’t matter to anyone in the world, why did it matter if Girogio and her friends beat her. Shelby was all she could think about as she laid there, she wasn’t one to not put up a fight but she just gotten make herself fight back. What was the point? They all had at least 30 pounds on her, some a lot more.

None of it fucking mattered. She didn’t matter.

Obviously not to the pretty blonde beauty queen and not to anyone.

Eventually everything went black, Toni let the blissful numbness take over.

Shelby didn’t know if she was surprised or not that she didn’t get a response from Toni to her message.

She knew Toni would be confused by that message. It was not what she wanted to say. She had so many things she wanted to say, so much she wanted to explain to Toni. She wanted to tell her about her struggle.

They talked about what they liked, where they saw themselves in 5 years, what they dreamed of, but Shelby had never been able to bring herself to talk about her struggles with same sex attraction.

She didn’t know how. To be honest, when she was actually with Toni she never wanted to. She just wanted to listen to her talk, listen to her laugh. She couldn’t. Nothing could ever happen.

She knew Toni would never understand why Shelby couldn’t give into her desires, her urges.

Toni lived free, did what she wanted when she wanted. She didn’t worry about trying to impress anyone.

Shelby knew it was ironic that she thought a woman currently imprisoned was freer than she was. The truth was, she spent years building a prison around herself of her parent’s expectations, her image, her church, her beliefs, and her own need for perfection that was as confining as prison walls.

She was home at her apartment finally. Her mom had wanted her to stay at their house another night but she needed her own space.

Tomorrow was Saturday. Normally, she would be excited about going to the women’s prison for her weekly visit with Toni. She had no idea whether she should go tomorrow or not.

She hated the confusion Toni would feel if she just didn’t show up. She felt like she owed her some kind of explanation if she didn’t go. But what would she say? God broke my hand and my arm because I gave in and held her hand. Shelby knew she would sound crazy to a non-believer.

If Shelby was going to go, she would need to ask someone to drive her since she couldn’t drive right now. Spencer had recently got his license so he was over eager to drive any chance he could. She knew if she asked him to drive, he totally would.

Everything she learned at True Intentions told her not to visit Toni. It was one thing to see her at Bible Study, with all the other women, sharing God’s Word, going just to see those deep brown eyes, to feel the way she felt inside when Toni smiled at her was a whole nother matter all together

She barely slept Friday night, tossing and turning. She made up her mind so many times that she couldn’t keep up with herself and wasn’t sure where she ended up.

She woke up but didn’t get up out of bed. She checked her email, still no response from Toni.

She did what she always did when she didn’t know what to do. She prayed about it. Prayer always brought her a sense of peace. It gave her clarity. Her time with just her and God didn’t feel the way she felt about God when her father talked about him. The God of her father’s sermons was someone to be scared of, with strict rules to follow. When she just took time with God she felt peace and confidence in her decisions that she never felt around her father.

She texted Spencer. He agreed to drive her to the prison as she knew he would.

Shelby was as nervous before this visit as she had been that first Saturday all those months ago. She smiled at Mrs. Jenkins sitting in the waiting room as she went up to check in with which inmate she was there to see.

“Toni Shalifoe.” Shelby stated to the clerk at the front desk. She had learned over the months that small talk was most certainly not encouraged.

“Shalifoe is not available.” The woman responded already looking past Shelby to the next person in line.

Not available? What did that even mean?

Maybe this was just another sign.


	8. Chapter 8

Shelby didn’t know what to do.

Shelby stepped away from the front desk and stood there for a minute. She went and sat next to Joan Jenkins, Latoya’s wife.

“What does it mean if someone is unavailable?” Shelby asked.

“I think it can mean different things. The only time Latoya was ever unavailable was when she had gotten the flu and hadn’t been able to message me that she was sick.” Joan responded.

“So she may be sick.” Shelby said looking worried.

“You visit Latoya’s bunkmate right? I can ask her what’s up and if you give me your number, I’ll text you after the visit.” Joan said as she looked at Shelby with her kind eyes. Shelby felt like she should explain why she visited Toni.

“She’s one of the women in my Bible Study, I just felt she could use a friend, Latoya had said she never got any visitors and I just don’t think anyone should have to..” Shelby rambled on.

Joan interrupted Shelby’s stream of consciousness by placing her hand on top of Shelby’s good hand, “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain or justify anything, sometimes the heart does what it wants,” Joan said with a knowing look.

Shelby’s heart raced, Joan suspected that her motives were more than sharing. Her first instinct was to do what she always did, even to herself, deny, deny, deny. It had been such a long week, her accident, whatever this was about Toni being unavailable that Shelby honestly didn’t have it in her to protest. Instead, she felt the tears start to fall as she just nodded.

“Miss ‘elby sad,” Joan and Latoya’s young daughter Mia said as she hugged Shelby’s legs.

“Visitation Time.” The guard at the door stood to lead the visitors back into the visitation room.

Shelby just shook her head and wiped her eyes when Joan asked if she wanted them to stay with her. They had come all this way to see their girl, it wasn’t their fault she couldn’t see hers.

That wasn’t right, Toni wasn’t hers but that didn’t mean she didn’t want her to be.

She had such a hard time admitting that to herself. She sat in the waiting room, just having a conversation with God.

Ironically, she had learned how to actually talk to God at True Intentions. One of her counselors, Sophie, a woman who had been a former camper had been the first person she had ever heard start a prayer with, Hey God. Shelby had loved the casualness of it, as if Sophie was just talking to a friend or a big brother.

Shelby had adopted that conversational with God ever since and it was something she encouraged with the youth she worked with. Sometimes, a formal prayer session is too intimidating, too much a of a foreign concept, that is what people meant when they said, they don’t know how to pray. There was no one way to pray, it was important to open the channels.

When Shelby prayed that way, she felt God’s love and not in the conditional way she felt her father’s love or the way her father talked about his God of fire and brimstone. She talked to God about Toni, asking to protect her, heal her. She asked God if these feeling she had were so wrong, why did they feel right and why did she care so much about this woman.

Shelby didn’t realize how long she had been sitting there just talking to God, feeling his love and presence until Mia came running out of the room and hugged her legs again, and Shelby picked her up and plopped her on her lap. “Momma missed you.” Mia said as she laid her little head on Shelby’s shoulder. Shelby smiled down at the beautiful girl and looked expectantly at her mother as she came out of the room. Joan motioned with her head toward the door outside, probably smarter that they talk outside.

“She’s in the hospital, she had started a fight last night apparently against six women all bigger than her. Latoya saw her being transported out.” Joan explained when they were outside the prison doors, Mia holding Shelby’s hand and her backpack of coloring books in the other.

“She doesn’t know where they took her but she says they typically bring prisoners to St. Marks.” Shelby felt the tears falling again. She was hurt. She wanted to go to her but she knew that would send the wrong message. Was it the wrong message.

“God didn’t create you in his image and fill you with love for you to fight him every step of the way. You are fearfully and beautifully made. It took me a long time to realize that.” Joan said.

Shelby couldn’t say anything for a minute, just looking into this kind woman’s eyes. She had been so sure that the accident had been a sign, that not being able to see Toni had been a sign. What if maybe, just maybe, God had brought the Jenkins family into her life for a reason. Maybe they were her sign.

“I always take Mia to McDonalds for a happy meal and to play in the playland after our visits, to reward her for being such a good girl when we visit Momma.” Joan explained as Mia nodded seriously beside her. Shelby couldn’t help but smile at the sacredness of the ritual to the little girl.

“Would you like to join us, we can chat? I have a feeling all that is going on in that pretty head of yours are the same things that went through mine a decade ago. Being a Southern Baptist preacher’s daughter and a lesbian is a rough road.”

“You’re a preacher’s daughter too?” Shelby asked as Joan just nodded. “I wish I could, my brother drove me, he’s waiting,” Shelby said, holding her cast up as proof.

“Mia do you think Miss Shelby should spend the afternoon with us and then we can take her home?” Joan asked.

“Yes! Miss ‘helby play.” Mia said. Joan was smart, she knew there was no way Shelby would say no to Mia.

“Let me go tell Spencer, I have a ride.” Shelby laughed, giving Joan a look saying, I see what you did there, Joan just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

Turned out Joan had been right, the thoughts and feelings she described were exactly the ones in Shelby’s own head. Shelby just couldn’t help but stare in awe as Joan described the fear of going to hell and the fear of being alone and never truly feeling the joy of being loved for exactly who you are.

Joan described her journey to realizing God made her and God loved her so she should start loving herself. Everything she said resonated with Shelby. This is what she had been praying for. Someone who understood and who could remind her that God loved her, all of who she was.

She felt a peace come over her that she didn’t think she had ever felt except when she was talking to God. She sent a quick thank you prayer up because who knew her whole life could change in a booth in the McDonalds play area.

Toni awoke to a familiar voice outside her hospital room. That can’t be right. Maybe she was still dreaming.

“I am her Pastor. Are you denying this prisoner right to religious counsel? Denying her last rites?” Toni sat up and looked out the window, suppressing a smile when she saw Shelby outside giving the business to the policemen outside her room.

Last rites? Was she dying and she didn’t know? They told her that after the surgery she had this morning to stitch up her spleen she should be good to go back to the nfirmary at the prison. She was only here because of the internal bleeding. Maybe the surgery hadn’t gone well.

She was pretty sure she wasn’t dreaming in Shelby, because her hair was pulled up, if it were Toni’s dream, her hair would be down and she would be wearing a short skirt instead of jeans. Or maybe nothing at all.

“I’m the Outreach Coordinator from North Point Community Church. I run a Bible Study every Wednesday and this prisoner is a loyal participant. Go ahead and call the prison, they will confirm.” Shelby continued out in the hallway. Toni had never seen this assertive ide of Shelby and she had to say, it was pretty hot.

Shockingly it worked, her door opened a few seconds later.

“Shalifoe, 10 minutes with your Pastor,” the guard said as he shut the door.

“Last rites? Am I dying?” Toni asked concerned. That had to be the only reason Shelby was here. How did she even know to come here? Why had she come after the message she had said had she even come at all. Toni had so many questions. It took her a minute to even register that Shelby was hurt too, her arm and hand were in a cast. 

Shelby came close and sat on the side of the bed where Toni’s hand was not handcuffed to the bed rail.

“No, you aren’t dying. I just had to see you.” Shelby said as she took Toni’s hand in her good one. That feeling. So much had happened in the week since she had last held her hand. Toni had been on such a roller coaster since then, all the self doubt, self hatred, pain, confusion, it all melted away at the feeling of Shelby’s hand in hers.

“That feels nice.” Toni said smiling looking down at Shelby’s hand in hers. She knew she was still on pain killers from the surgery and they were probably affecting her inhibition. She didn’t want to push too far, say too much but she had to shoot her shot.

“I thought after your message, you wouldn’t be visiting.” Toni said, needing some kind of answer, some kind of indication of what was going through this beautiful woman’s mind.

“I’m so sorry. My accident messed with my brain. I thought God was telling me to stay away from you. That God was punishing me. Don’t worry though, Jenkins’ wife set me straight,” Shelby giggled, that laugh, “well maybe straight’s not the best word choice.”

Toni didn’t even know how to unpack what Shelby just said. All she could focus on was not straight. Jenkins’ wife? How did Joanie play into this, she was so confused and she knew she only had a few minutes left. Toni was just staring into Shelby’s eyes, she knew she could get lost in those eyes, lose all track of time.

“Why would God cause an accident to get you to stay away from me, I’m nothing special.” Toni said shaking her head.

“I like you. And that’s hard for me. I don’t let myself like girls, or I try not to anyway,” Shelby said still looking into Toni’s eyes, her thumb rubbing on Toni’s hand.

I like you.

I like you.

Those three words were Toni’s new favorite words.

“I like you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always for your comments! Love y'all! 
> 
> Hit me up at Tumblr: Wildathart


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